"I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it. If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster." ~Clint Eastwood
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical ~Trey Parker and Matt Stone
We began dating in November 1987. She already had two kids from a previous marriage. We were engaged in February '98 and married in June '98. 9 months later Selah was born, then Moriah in '91, and Jacob in '92. Then finally Ivory was born in '94. We were raising 6 kids by the time we were 33 years old.
Who and when to merry is never an easy decision, but it seemed right. We felt ready to get married back in 1987. We talked about everything. We saw each other everyday. We had loving supportive parents. Our family friends were excited for us. We were both old enough and committed to each other. She was beautiful, and she was crazy about me. We did the premarital counseling courses at our church. We were hard working responsible people.
How was I to know what was going to eventually happen to us on that beautiful wedding day in June of '88? Sandra was a very good wedding coordinator. She did the flowers, food, and decorations on her own wedding. It was amazing and beautiful. Our pastor did the ceremony in front of all our best friends. We had several people sing at the wedding, there was a great reception, nice honeymoon, and terrific pictures. Plus, I was going to have guilt free sex.
We had our 4 children born at home. We went to church every Sunday. We never did drugs, smoked or drank for the 10 years we were married. My wife had great integrity and courage. We were both respected leaders in the church. We owned and operated a growing catering business. There were never issues of drama or unfaithfulness. We had a good marriage. Then something happened. Our ship hit an iceberg and began to sink into an ocean of depression, crime, drugs, unfaithfulness, prison time, and heartbreak.
Oh, I suppose someone could look back and say, "What the hell were you thinking, Phil? Her parents were divorced, she was married before, and you should have completed your degree." BS. Yeah, what was I supposed to do? Cut her and her two boys out of my life because she had a less than perfect past? Is there someone out there who has not had challenges to overcome? It seemed like she did overcome her problems and I respected her for it. Someone could say I should have finished my college degree before I got married. Well, I'm sorry. Just because I wasn't a damn brain surgeon was no reason to call off my wedding. It's true; I am pretty nave when it comes to women. I had great admiration and respect for my mom and her marriage to my dad. I had a hard time believing that a woman could be capable of cheating, getting pregnant, tearing her family apart, and leaving her husband. I just did not see this collision coming. How could I? Our family sailed right into a perfect storm that was not on anyone's radar. I had no idea when I said; "I do" to my new bride that life would become a living nightmare and no morning. Who can know those things? Would I have married this person if I knew what was coming 10 years later? Probably not. Was the hell I went through worth being the father of 4 great kids? Yes.
Life Lesson
1. Face it. We cannot predict the future. Life can put us through storms beyond imagination. Marriage will test us. We cannot control people or how they cope with life. None of us know how strong we are until the storms of life hit us. Some people get tougher and some people run. We all want to live happily ever after. We all intend to be a good husband or wife when we say, "I do." However, there are very powerful forces in life that can easily tear apart the best of relationships.
2. Merry the person you can believe in and then believe in the person you merry. If a person loves their partner then show faith in that man or woman. Is it right to break up a relationship with someone you love because there is a "statistical chance" that something could go wrong? Here is a tip: A great way to ruin a relationship is to doubt and psychoanalyze that person's ability to have a good relationship. It is miserable to be with someone who is constantly worried about "a problem" or having to "fix" everything. Speaking from a man's perspective: mothering and scolding me does not help. I will begin to doubt my ability to keep my girl happy. Then I will shut down and submerge like a submarine. Instead of poking holes try patching holes.
It would be better not to merry that person at all if the agenda includes "cleaning up", "fixing" or "changing the person." We are all capable of screwing up a relationship. All we can do is our best to build up our partner up and not search out every possible crack in their personality. That also includes being self-critical about our own flaws and issues. We all have them.
3. Accept the possibility of problems. Sure we should try to reduce the chance of relationship problems. But win or lose marriage can be a gamble. Over 50% end up in divorce and many times for ridiculous reasons. Divorce happens to the most dedicated, responsible, loving people. At the same time, many marriages stay solid through terrible situations. Then there are those who are "married" but are living in a miserable relationship. Who can know for certain how we will cope and adjust, as life gets more complicated? Marriage is not for wimps, crybabies, or cowards. Being married and in love does not guarantee protection from problems. Just being married will uncover dirt and skeletons by itself. There is no absolute formula to live happily ever after. We can spend all our time reading marital books, going to seminars, and watching videos and still find our marriage crashed on the rocks. My goodness, just trying to fix the relationship can lead to more problems. Problems happen. Don't be too surprised.
4. Look and then leap with everything you got. We all have weaknesses and are capable of being very selfish at times. So what do we do never commit to someone, never believe in someone, never merry anyone? That is not the answer. Any relationship can change and drift away with the wind. So what is the answer? The answer is talk to people who care about you then...(gulp) go for it with everything you've got. Give it your best. Screw the odds. It is possible to have a great happy marriage that lasts a lifetime. But, I just don't know how that happens for everyone. I do know that life happens and life changes. We cannot predict how hard or easy life will be, and don't bother trying to predict it. A good relationship for one day or several decades is a blessing. Appreciate your children and a loving partner always; and remember to let them know.
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